If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.
My own mom is not the only mother who left this admonition graven on the minds of her children. The impulse to criticize, to chastise, to mock or deride is strong in the hearts of men (and children), and the ease with which a sharp comment or snark come to mind and tongue is no credit to the (human) race. To leverage a statement of another’s weakness or shortcoming to elevate oneself seems the easiest and most natural thing for one to do – child’s play, in fact. Which necessity brings about the universal maternal monition not to do it.
When I was a freshman in college, I hung out with a bunch of guys with whom I had little in common except residential proximity. My one buddy who lived nearby on the dorm next to a guy from Long Island, and they both joined the same frat with other Long Islanders, so I rolled for months with this New York-accented smack-talking mutual-mockery society that fashioned itself friends. We mocked, derided, snarked, and laughed and laughed.
Until: having noted how much of my talking was trash, that Lent I resolved to say nothing negative about anybody else either in earnest or in jest. Suddenly while I was with these guys, there was nothing to say. By spring, I was spending a lot of time reading on my own. Sophomore year I started over with new friends.
If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all can leave one with nothing to say. But, since “nice” is not the same as “good”, much less “true”, perhaps we need more options.
The sin of detraction is when needlessly we relate negative things about another when the negative is true. Saying something negative that is untrue is calumny, a different sin. When we tell the new neighbors that the old lady on the corner is a miser, that is detraction; when we say that the young couple across the street are probably Chinese spies, that is (most likely) calumny. Clearly, Christians should be avoid both.
However, there remains the possibility of making a negative and critical observation about another without incurring sin. In fact, it can be right and necessary to do so under certain circumstances.
A person responsible for training a new worker must report honestly the failures of the neophyte, in order that that trainee not be given responsibility he is unable to meet and so that remedial training be given. Depending on the seriousness of the work, lives could be at stake. Who wants a doctor who was trained by people who never pointed out his mistakes?
In our disoriented society where to state that an action is wrong is often taken as asserting that the one who did it is a ‘bad person,’ we cannot lose sight of our ability and obligation to evaluate actions, starting with our own actions, and then the actions of people for whom we have some responsibility – parents, teachers, coaches, pastors. We are obliged to correct and even reprimand, remedy and retrain. But even then, to publicize or broadcast these shortcomings is usually unnecessary and often counterproductive. Performance evaluations and parenting are both bad places to engage in mockery and shaming, but where criticism and correction are necessary.
Similarly, when we observe bad action on the part of somebody for whom we are NOT responsible, there remains the likelihood that we have a responsibility to point it out to those who are under our care – our children, students, and trainees. Do not buy his product, or, you should not follow her example or instruction, are both valid and even necessary sometimes, again as long as we be speaking to people for whom we have some obligation to instruct and guide.
Be wary of that man, his intentions, and his words, can be a harsh but necessary admonition, in all Christian love, in the circumstances where one has authority and obligation, where people count on one’s guidance. More broadly, however, in simply social settings, If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.
Monsignor Smith
